caresayswhatt 10:45 pm

(10:45:04 PM): LOL

(10:45:06 PM): less awkward

(10:45:11 PM): its gooog.

(10:45:13 PM): sd;lknds;kflgd

(10:45:14 PM): I MEAN

(10:45:16 PM): GOOOD.

(10:45:24 PM): I felt like i was trying to say joog.

ha adrienne said 10:46 pm

(10:46:00 PM): HA! i thought that too!

(10:46:21 PM): for a sec i had a "nooooo!" moment

caresayswhatt 10:46 pm

(10:46:33 PM): LOLOL

so, i would be the first to say that

my picture-per-day project

did not work out.

on days that all i do is nothing,

there is nothing to take pictures of.

it just didn't work

but i really wish it did.

on another note,

i decided that my theme this summer is

self powered sunshine.

mm. sounds good.

tuh.

figures it would be five million degrees when im going somewhere unpleasant.

asian college applicating kid stereotype:

piano, chinese school, badminton, library/hospital volunteer.

skippity do da to happy kids.

got my friendship bracelet sent to me by mail, yee.

mark of a funny friendship. (:

pick your battles,

preferably not with me.

i have no eaten my big lemon shaped chocolate lollipop thing.

it's too pretty.

today was another dose of summer.

i cannot believe that just last week i was killing myself over finals.

this is called summer magic, people.

we go into our natural states and enjoy life.

this summer I am recording my day in picture everyday.

i can do it, swear.

i figured it was time to stop and relax.

lets not get too ahead of ourselves here. we are not seniors yet. I am not that excited to start the entire senior thing. i am perfectly content to enjoy my summer without being tied down to the horrors of school.

concerning myself,

i do not feel that conflict is smart therefore i avoid it. but since i only have one more year left at this school, why not spend it with the people i love and adore and instead of tolerate?

so yes, contemplation in moderation.

YES.

am I ready for summer?

yes.

but I dont feel too close with class of 2010 so I'm not exactly dying of sadness. i loved 2009 more.

haha.

I suppose I will feel sad about some people leaving, but its not like I wont ever see them again. the ones I care about most are probably going to visit often.

but i am worrying about my grades this final. i hate finals, its just a way to further slaughter our grades. fuck you physics you can drown in an ocean.

I'll do my half year thing tomorrow. after tomorrow's finals, im finished.

yesyesyes

again with another midnight stream.

so today I took the SATII. It was not fun and I pretty much gave up before the last test. I signed up to do math two, history, and physics. Didn't do physics and told my proctor I was dying and therefore didn't wanna do it. left.

went outside and spent three hours talking to multiples of people.

apparently everyone thought it was hard.

go figure.

throwback today with elementary buddy! unexpected but still nice.

went home and baked.

no really, i went home and started to bake for some strange reason.

i mean it didn't turn out bad, but i made it too sweet.

then out to dinner.

then argument with parents over my physics grade. they need to understand that this was going to happen sooner or later and it just so happens it's happening this year. i was going to hit a roadblack and physics was my roadblock.

understand that I pretty much gave up in that class. dont get me wrong, i hate hate hate giving up, it's a failure in all sense of the word. but there was something about physics, about the weird logic that does not fit with my view of the world, that just irritates me.

i know myself well enough, and im pretty set on my major. i know whatever happens in the future will not have science in it. thank you science teachers but i really dont need to know what a quantum is.

shocking, i know.

but i would like to say that on a scale of one to ten, the morning was a three, noon was a eight point forty seven, evening was a nine point two, and night was a five.

normality.

Dont you love playing pretend? It's the best game in the world.

Today we ran around the block pretending to be airplanes with guns and bombs and then paparazzi kids.

We win.

I'm doing this way more often than I should because really, according to Kaeleigh and I dont really remember where she got it from, teenagers are the age group that needs the most sleep.

well apparently our darling teachers beg to differ and decide to have three projects due on the same friday.

you adults are too wonderful, really.

but then againthis is just my teenage complaining self and obviously i dont know what I'm talking about because i am young and unexperienced and blah blah blah

yeah, i feel like a more subtle, non homophobic, less ugly version of catcher in the rye.

which i would like to say was one of the most ridiculous peices of writing that we've read in english thus far. the guy has way too much time on his hands and though i like the idea of catcer in the rye and what it represents, i just want to choke that style of writing and choke every character in the dang book.

i tried to love it, i really did.

but love cant be forced

(or so they say)

that book is way too modern, it has not proven itself to be a great work of literature. i mean as much as i want to say that generations of people can connect to it, i can also connect with thousands of other people on facebook groups. :/

complaining, moving on.

and well theres this fad going on on facebook where theres all this posting love on other people's statuses. I mean in the beginning it was great and fun and lovelovelove to the idea but then people started using it to dig for complements and filling up walls.

cmon, must you?

not to say that others are not being wonderful people while doing it, but I just feel that there is always going to be little pricks that annoy me in every wonderful situation.

but then if I can acknowledge this, i suppose i can work on my own personality.

I mean i could, but doing so takes so much time.

all that self improvement,

it really depends on motivation and really, i dont see any motivation whatsoever.

being so absorbed in what's around me, i lost all sense of self.

okay, i exaggerated.

I still know what's my favorite color.

but how much time do we really have to explore ourselves?

it wasnt exactly a class taught in school.

how do you do it.

12:34am.

goodnight.

stream of consciousness is something I learned this year in english.

which i currently no longer want to be a TA for due to certain circumstances and I do not think martinez likes me very much. and that makes me sad when I think that she might not like me. but its not like it matters.

but what matters is facebook.

no it really doesnt, who am i kidding. Its great for "keeping in touch" [with who, the people you see most often?] but otherwise ehh. but today everyone was thinking of memories of everyone else and it was just wonderful.

smiles and happy and happy.

but I go onto other blogs and get kinda sad thinking that its so much like a circle it kinda reminds of of that one complicated prom thing that will never be mentioned as long as I can help it. pwaha.

but its nice to just type this out and beause it is o9ne oclock in the morning, I am not really thinking about the concequences this could bring. I mean really, what can someone use this for? blackmail?

I doubt it. my mind may be weird but not silly enough to warrant suficent blackmail material.

but oh my goodness. I get so mad thinking about people some times

and when I think im getting mad I dont want to think about it anymore so issues kinda nerver get solved in my mind.

but yes, I am very tired and I really want to sleep and everyone else at home is already asleep and I am awake because I work on stupid project that freaken pained me to do.

swear swear swear if I do not get help on this I will explode like freaken hiroshima.

history eww. I really do not need so many projects and presentations and experiments. my mind is going numb and Im afraid I cannot stand doing this much longer.

I do miss my happier days where I really didnt have a care in the world and where i was cool with everything and everyone. I dislike disliking things for obvious reasons. I dislike it when stories and twisted into ugly little half truths and it makes me want to punch punch punch like no tomorrow.

now that I think about it, I need to learn my neighbor's name. that will be my goal this summer?

Because I need to gather courage daily to talk to a complete stranger and then release it all in a moment and run away.

oh i know myself really well, thank you.

but yeah. getting later and I swear im starting to see rainbows.

nvm, my color paper just threw up all over my desk.

yay

wasted time in the morning.

biked to adrienne's.

went to froyo avec her and tinh.

met up with elliot and brendan.

met up with blase.

cue super loudness, cards, and just disturbing the peace in general.

hello, summer. my name is carrie and i already miss you.

Today was another summer day.

Perfect with ice cream and warm weather.

Carefree with endless swinging.

Only thing missing is a nighttime picnic.

But no worries,

it will happen.

Next on the list is bike ride?

you never sprint the mile because you'll never win.

It's worse when you're not even good at sports in the first place.

but you can always find loopholes right?

I can get tired from sprinting,

but can't I tag team

and pass it on to a friend?

I'm not very comforting,

I apologize,

and I know I usually say the wrong things.

But I try not to judge

[try, sometimes succeeding, only sometimes]

and I try to be opening minded

[if I can be open minded about hatred, there's little I can't accept]

and so don't my actions speak louder than my words?

[not like we ever have full conversations anyways].

I cannot tell you to preserve,

and not give up,

because I do not know what is happening.

But I can tell you to trust the people around you

[I do not think you can trust yourself, because you are always putting yourself down]

I mean, if everyone's telling you to jump,

[not from a cliff, from a much safer height]

why not take the risk?

[we wont be there to catch you, we're not that fast,

but we can jump with you,

or the very least make a human rope and pull you back up]

I do not see the point of depression longer than a day.

[you lose focus]

I believe that you can go to sleep angry

[or sad, or suicidal]

but always promise yourself to wake up ready

[not happy, just ready]

ready for today's drama, obstacles, rocks, traps, gunshots, and stabs through the heart.

Don't worry.

I'll be here for you to tag team the burden to.

I'll help you run the rest of the way.

Metaphorically speaking, that is.

You're hilarious if you think I'm physically running laps for anybody.

I think that

the closet the the best place to think in.

the bathroom is the best place to study.

the kitchen room is the best place for company.

the stairs are the best place for talking.

I'm debating whether I like

these project infested after exam days,

or the test filled pre-exam days.

I enjoy dreams of summer nights,

but do not like being woken up to reality.

I would like to expand my horizons this summer

and learn carpentry.

"unique" is overrated and

"normal" under-appreciated.

people need to learn

humility, faith, and self-control;

because I do not wish to force it unto them.

credits to the bestfriend wayland.

your day will be better.

Year older, not wiser.

No difference, no matter.

In my opinion, you're not older until you feel older.

I guess I'll feel older when some drastic event takes away the last parts of my childhood,

or when I get wrinkles.

I hope hope hope

the wrinkles come first.

But right now, I can't relax until I've studied enough.

And it'll never be enough.

rewind, restart.

cool off and continue.

title inspired.

myself, aspiring.

I don't know why I decided to change the name of this blog. I thought that it no longer fit me anymore. My universe was small to begin with and to compare it to the vast mysteries, the magnificence, of the whole universe feels wrong. My life does not even hold a candle to the grandeur of the stars. The new title is an interesting change. It's the title of a book written by Virginia Woolf. I do not claim that I have read it. I read it from tonight's English assignment. Not amazing, but the truth isn't always so. I felt connected to her writing, I feel as if I can drown myself in her words and escape through her letters into another world where thoughts are reality and where imagination prevails.

I feel disconnected from the world, stuck in my books, feeling as if the fruits of my labor are not coming along as quickly as I would like. I would like to reinvent myself and see where that takes me. I would like to see if I had the chance to truly restart, could I be able to do it. Could I be the person I want to be? Or would that not be considered me? Can I handle the person I want to be? Can I handle my own dreams and aspirations? Or would I be stuck where everyone else is, just going along with the flow, hoping that it'll end up well.

I would like to not regret my life, rather, I want to be able to look back and be proud of my decisions to not take those risks. I want to be proud to have lived so long. I want to be proud that I wasn't a stupid teenager, caving into the chaos that life would eventually slap onto all of us. I want so much that it's probably considered greedy to all but the most forgiving.

I shall not promise myself anything.

I do not want to live life as it comes. Recklessness is not in my nature. Sure, I indulge in moments of danger, in moments where my pulse soars and all I feel is the excitement, the happiness, the carefree feeling that I want to feel all the time - but moments are just that: moments.

I am Carrie.

I am the open windows with sunshine peeking behind clouds.

I am the eraser stubs left on pencils after a grueling exam.

I am not original nor unique, and I do not want to be.

“At some point in life,

you will realize

that you have done too much

for somebody,

and that the only next possible step to do

is to stop.

It's not giving up.

Nor is it walking away.

But for yourself,

you must draw the line

between determination

and desperation.

What is yours will

eventually be yours,

& what is not,

no matter how hard you try,

will never be.”

From Lan Tran, with grammar edits from me.

It was a typical spring break:

- homeworked 80% of the time

[as in I was attempting to work while having facebook and aim on. D;]

- biked

[two days, highlight!]

[must bike around bayfarm during summer]

- stressed

[ooh, so normal]

- family time

[always, family first.]

- college research

[what is upp with gwen & lee giving me schools with 845843% white and .6% asian]

[no racist, no racist.]

- got new phone

[hello technology challenge.]

Sometimes I wished that I didn't need to sleep or eat,

that way I have more time for more interesting things.

Do you not agree?

I dont know what made me think of it,

but I remembered how daddy tried to avoid teaching me a lot of things.

Like one time, in a show, this girl was getting gang raped and I asked him why the men were taking off her clothes.

He told me that they were going to freeze her to death.

Another time,

I asked him why some people had hair under their arms and around their bodies.

He told me that the hair on top of their heads fell down and it just planted on those parts.

Yes, I believed him.

Smooooth, daddy.

I figured that if I'm going to procrastinate, I'm going to be happy doing it.

random, nonsensical, rambling list of all the small things that make life worth it.

ready set smile.

coloring.

friendship bracelets.

actually knowing the song everyone else knows.

finding coins from other countries.

daffodils.

yard sales.

children who play dress up.

waking up remembering your dream.

rockpaperscissors.

meeting new kids.

meeting with the old kids.

exact change.

waking up with alright hair.

jamba juice peach pleasure.

biking days.

new magazines in the mail.

ikea.

unexpected plans.

good stories.

blogs.

building forts.

sharing huge umbrellas.

good burritos.

newly painted nails.

new pack of markers.

new book smell.

tag.

having someone remember who you are.

maybe I'll continue this later.

Be jealous.

Karen gave me BLUE DAISIES(:

Tonight crew did so well.

veryhappy.(:

And,

princess project was all good for me.

content with life.