rewind, restart.

cool off and continue.

title inspired.

myself, aspiring.

I don't know why I decided to change the name of this blog. I thought that it no longer fit me anymore. My universe was small to begin with and to compare it to the vast mysteries, the magnificence, of the whole universe feels wrong. My life does not even hold a candle to the grandeur of the stars. The new title is an interesting change. It's the title of a book written by Virginia Woolf. I do not claim that I have read it. I read it from tonight's English assignment. Not amazing, but the truth isn't always so. I felt connected to her writing, I feel as if I can drown myself in her words and escape through her letters into another world where thoughts are reality and where imagination prevails.

I feel disconnected from the world, stuck in my books, feeling as if the fruits of my labor are not coming along as quickly as I would like. I would like to reinvent myself and see where that takes me. I would like to see if I had the chance to truly restart, could I be able to do it. Could I be the person I want to be? Or would that not be considered me? Can I handle the person I want to be? Can I handle my own dreams and aspirations? Or would I be stuck where everyone else is, just going along with the flow, hoping that it'll end up well.

I would like to not regret my life, rather, I want to be able to look back and be proud of my decisions to not take those risks. I want to be proud to have lived so long. I want to be proud that I wasn't a stupid teenager, caving into the chaos that life would eventually slap onto all of us. I want so much that it's probably considered greedy to all but the most forgiving.

I shall not promise myself anything.

I do not want to live life as it comes. Recklessness is not in my nature. Sure, I indulge in moments of danger, in moments where my pulse soars and all I feel is the excitement, the happiness, the carefree feeling that I want to feel all the time - but moments are just that: moments.

I am Carrie.

I am the open windows with sunshine peeking behind clouds.

I am the eraser stubs left on pencils after a grueling exam.

I am not original nor unique, and I do not want to be.

“At some point in life,

you will realize

that you have done too much

for somebody,

and that the only next possible step to do

is to stop.

It's not giving up.

Nor is it walking away.

But for yourself,

you must draw the line

between determination

and desperation.

What is yours will

eventually be yours,

& what is not,

no matter how hard you try,

will never be.”

From Lan Tran, with grammar edits from me.

It was a typical spring break:

- homeworked 80% of the time

[as in I was attempting to work while having facebook and aim on. D;]

- biked

[two days, highlight!]

[must bike around bayfarm during summer]

- stressed

[ooh, so normal]

- family time

[always, family first.]

- college research

[what is upp with gwen & lee giving me schools with 845843% white and .6% asian]

[no racist, no racist.]

- got new phone

[hello technology challenge.]

Sometimes I wished that I didn't need to sleep or eat,

that way I have more time for more interesting things.

Do you not agree?